No Souls
by Coqui's Song
Summary: When Firestar dies, he thinks he's going straight to StarClan. Little does he know that gingers have no souls...


**Please note that I have not read The Last Hope yet. But it's a parody, so who cares? :D It won't be accurate if I read it or not.**

**I adopted this plot bunny from LawlClan. Just throwing that out there. :3 **

**I don't own _Warriors. _  
**

_No Souls_

_By: Coqui's Song_

"DIE, FIRESUE!" growled Tigerstar, pouncing on the ThunderClan leader and pinning him to the ground.

The ginger tom struggled, and spat out, "If you're going to insult me, will you at least call me Fire_stu_? I'm not a she-cat, you know."

"Could've fooled me." The evil dark tabby laughed. "You sure _fight_ like one!"

"Hey!" over half of the she-cats from StarClan, the living Clans, and yes, even the Dark Forest, protested. Ferncloud was not among those she-cats. In fact, she was having another litter of sixty kits under a bramble bush somewhere while everyone else was fighting for their lives.

"Yeah, yeah," Firestar drawled. "Can we speed this up?"

Tiggerstar was taken aback. "You... _want_ me to kill you?"

"I kill you while I'm alive, I kill you while I'm dead; what's the difference? You'll still end up dead, forgotten, while I'll still be one of the most beloved ThunderClan leaders of all time," the ginger tom meowed.

"There's a flaw in your logic," the leader of the Dark Forest noted.

Firestar frowned. He was a Stu; he knew it. Sues and Stus never lose. It's law. The ginger tom with the bright leaf-green eyes blinked. "And that'd be..."

"I won't let you win."

The ThunderClan leader was about to laugh at how mouse-brained his enemy really was -killing him! The nerve! It'd never happen; he was Firestar the Stu- when the dark tabby lunged and tore through the ginger tom's throat.

Needless to say, Firesue -I mean, Firestar- died.

The ginger tom opened his eyes and blinked in surprise. This wasn't StarClan; it was just a vast emptiness. Not blackness, not whiteness, just... Empty. Hollow. He called out, "Hello?" and it echoed endlessly, booming in his ears with every repetition.

"Firestar."

The ThunderClan leader jumped at the sound of his name. He turned around, recognizing the voice instantly, his heart leaping with joy. A blue-furred she-cat stood in the emptiness, and Firestar shakily began to pad toward her, fearing that he would suddenly fall and never stop falling; falling forever in the chasm with no end.

"Bluestar!" he cried. "Where are we? Why aren't we in StarClan?"

The blue-gray she-cat frowned. "You mean, why aren't _you_ in StarClan? Don't you see? I'm still very sparkly. I'm still a StarClan cat, thank you."

"And I'm not a StarClan cat? But I have to be! I'm _perfect!_"

"You're a ginger."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he gazed at her with his deep green eyes.

Bluestar turned to lick her shoulder, then looked back at him. "Everyone knows that gingers have no souls."

"No... Soul? But if I didn't have a soul, I wouldn't have done such great things for ThunderClan! I wouldn't be a good cat. ... I _am _a good cat, right?"

"Sure you are," said the blue-furred she-cat, her voice seemingly disinterested. "Even if you did kill your half-brother."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'd never kill my family. Besides, the only cat I've ever killed was Scourge."

"My point exactly." Bluestar smirked. "Scourge is your half-brother. You and Brambleclaw are more alike than it would seem."

Firestar blinked in shock, suddenly feeling guilt for the deed done so many seasons ago. "My half-brother..."

"But hey, you needed to save the Clans. I understand that kind of pressure. So I guess we're alike, too." The former ThunderClan leader rambled.

"Could you get to the point? Why am I here?"

Bluestar sighed in exasperation, shaking her head slightly. "I just told you. You're a ginger. You have no soul. Therefore, you cannot enter StarClan."

"So... No ginger cat is allowed entrance to StarClan?" he wondered. "Me, Sandstorm, my daughter Squirrelflight -they'll all be here when they die?"

"Yep, that's about it," she replied. "By the way, I never understood how you could be so horrible at giving names. Lionblaze, Squirrelflight, Berrynose. Was I not great at giving out warrior names? Why didn't I rub off on you?"

"Wasn't Thunderstar a ginger tom?" Firestar decided to ignore Bluestar's rant about his naming skills.

"Yes."

"Isn't he a StarClan cat?"

"There are exceptions."

"I'm the Savior of the Clans," Firestar stated. "Tigerstar called me Firesue. I'm perfect. Can't you make an exception for me?"

"Fortunately, no. There are so many Sues in StarClan already, Firestar. I'm very sorry," the blue-gray StarClan cat meowed, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. "And now I must make my leave."

"Please, no! You can't leave me here, Bluestar. I'm not a bad cat. Just because I have no soul..." the ginger tom threw himself at her paws.

"You aren't a bad cat, Firestar, you're right. That's why you're not in the Dark Forest-"

Bluestar was cut off by another gray cat, a tom, with battle-scarred ears. He leapt and gracefully landed next to her. "Mom! You brought him to the wrong place!"

"What are you talking about, Stonefur?" the blue-gray she-cat asked her son.

"You were _supposed_ to take him to the Dark Forest." Stonefur rolled his green eyes, his tail lashing.

Bluestar blinked. "And why would I do that?"

"Because it'd be more hilarious, and God -I mean, StarClan-knows that this parody could use more humor," Stonefur answered. "What's so funny about this nothingness?" To prove his point, he kicked at the 'ground' as if to kick a rock, and nothing happened.

"The Dark Forest?" Firestar asked. "B-but I prefer it here. _Really._ It's very nice."

"Well, for the sake of the parody... Let's take him to the Dark Forest!" Bluestar trilled joyfully.

"WAIT, BEFORE YOU DO, TELL ME. IS SCOURGE THERE?" he finished his sentence too late. He was surrounded by trees, dark trees, and he could barely see a thing. There was no sun, no moon, no stars.

No sky.

There was nothing beyond the treetops.

Firestar turned to see two cats he'd hoped he'd never see again. One of them was his half-brother. He wasn't shocked that Scourge was here despite the small black tom's disbelief of StarClan.

The other was his old foe.

"Hello, Firesue," said Tigerstar, grinning as if StarClan had just given him a special treat (which they did).

"Hello, Tiggerstar," he greeted with as much scorn as the dark tabby.

"Firestar," Scourge acknowledged coldly. His blue eyes glimmered with hate, which the ginger tom thought was fair. After all, Firestar did kill him.

The former ThunderClan leader blinked. "Brother." Suddenly it struck him how strange it was how he, who was so good, so perfect, could be related to one so evil.

"Ah-ha, no. That 'sharing blood' thing doesn't work on me," the tiny black tom growled, taking his white forepaw and washing it. He stretched his claws, and they flashed, looking deadly. "The only blood that matters to me is the kind that falls from your wounds."

"I wasn't trying to appeal to your better nature. You don't have one anyway."

"Very true," Scourge agreed.

"This family reunion is all very heartwarming and all, but Scourge, you and I have some unfinished business," Tigerstar interrupted.

"You're going to kill me," Firestar assumed.

His half-brother shook his head. "Unfortunately, we can't kill you a second time. You don't have a soul, so. But we can do the next best thing! Torture is sometimes so much better than death."

"More cries of agony," said Tigerstar.

"More begging and attempts to appeal to our sense of mercy," Scourge put in."That's really too bad, because I don't have one. A waste of breath, I say."

Firestar blinked. "So I can't die. No matter what you do to me? And torture- that won't kill me? Even if you say, tear my neck and spill my blood on the stones?"

"You're protected by your Stuness and your soullessness," Tigerstar informed. "So no, we can't. You'll just keep living. Sucks for you."

And with that, the torture began.

Of course, the 'torture' just consisted of Tigerstar and Scourge beating the dirt out of him. Again. And again. And again. Eventually the two cats got bored of murdering him but not killing him. If that made sense.

"This is endless," Scourge complained.

"You can say that again," Firestar panted.

"All right, all right, I got my revenge on you, Firesue." Tigerstar glared at him, his amber eyes glowing in the dark.

"Me too," Scourge agreed, his voice high-pitched.

The three enemies stood in silence, gazing at each other.

"So... What now?" asked the flame-colored tom, breaking the awkward silence.

"I'm going to ask Bluestar to take you to StarClan," Tigerstar replied.

"Why? There's no point. I can't go there. I don't have a soul."

"I don't have a soul either," Scourge said.

"Yeah, but you're evil."

"And you're a ginger."

Tigerstar snorted in amusement. "You're just too annoying to keep around, Firesue. Just because I don't hate you anymore doesn't mean I like you."

"Why not just take me to the Emptiness?"

"What Emptiness? There is only the Dark Forest, StarClan, and the Tribe of Endless Hunting, as far as I know," Tigerstar replied.

"Oh, I know what he's talking about," Scourge meowed, smirking. "Of course, I won't take him there."

"Why not, Scourge?" wondered Firestar.

"Because that'd mean I'd have to go back there," said the small black tom. "All cats with no souls go there. You feel nothing, see nothing, hear nothing but your own thoughts... No, kittypet, it's better you go to StarClan. That way we know you're still annoying cats."

"I don't understand." Firestar sighed. "The Emptiness, the Dark Forest. If every cat with no soul goes to the Emptiness, then why isn't Tigerstar there?"

"Not every evil cat has no soul," replied Scourge. "Idiot."

"And you don't have a soul? How are you here, then?"

"Because the author of this parody loves me and doesn't mind a minor plot hole in her fic," the dead leader of BloodClan answered. "Or I just stole some other cat's soul, because yes, I'm /that/ evil. Whichever answer makes the most sense."

"How can you steal a soul?" The ginger tom asked.

"I too am interested, " Tigerstar put in.

Scourge spat at the dark tabby, "You don't need one. You already have a soul."

"Still. How do you steal one?" begged Firestar.

"It's nearly impossible."

"Just tell me."

"All right. Find a Sue. Like, an irredeemable one. One that's not ginger. Leafpool comes to mind. Then, you convince him or her to give you their soul. It might be easier for you than for me, since a lot of the Clan cats love you. Boom."

"Sounds easy."

"Nothing could be more difficult."

"Okay," Tigerstar meowed, then coughed. "While you two are out stealing souls, I'll convince Bluestar to let Firestar into StarClan. Wow. Never thought I'd say that sentence."

* * *

Firestar and Scourge crouched underneath a bush with sharp thorns. They peered down at a puddle of muddy water, swirling beneath their forepaws. Suddenly, the murky water cleared, and the small black tom whispered, "Go! Now's the time!"

The former leader of ThunderClan hesitated, and so Scourge pushed him into the puddle of water. The ginger fell, and fell, and fell. It seemed to be an endless fall, like one he'd feared before. He was surrounded in blurry colors: light blue, soft pink, dark green. But all of a sudden, he stopped falling, and he landscape cleared into a forest much like his old roaming grounds of ThunderClan. A light brown she-cat was sobbing into her paws. "My kits all hate me! I've failed at life! Woe is me, woe is me!"

_'Yep, that's Leafpool,' _he thought, shaking his head at the Sueness of his daughter. Aloud he called, "Leafpool."

The tabby she-cat pricked her ears and looked up at her father. "Dad? But you're dead. And why aren't you sparkly? Aren't you a StarClan cat?"

"Sure," he lied. "I just need to be dead for five years before I gain my stars. Also, I need your soul."

"I don't think that's true. Otherwise, I think a lot of cats would just be getting their stars. And wait- why do you need my soul?"

"Don't question your father. Just give it to me."

His daughter reluctantly nodded. "Okay. I give you my soul. Whatever a soul is."

"Awesome! It was easier than I thought! See you in StarClan, Leafpool! Oh, wait... I guess not." Firestar smirked and closed his eyes. Once he reopened them, he was back in the Dark Forest again.

"So?" Scourge yawned.

"I got it," the ginger tom replied, wearing a triumphant grin. "Was so much easier that you said it'd be."

Tigerstar came from nowhere, appearing from the shadows. "So, Bluestar agreed to meet us at the StarClan and Dark Forest border. I promise not to try to kill her."

"Thank you," said Firestar. "So... we go now?"

"Sure," Tiggerstar replied, shrugging.

.

"Bluestar!" Firestu cried. "I have a soul now! Can I get into StarClan now?"

The blue-gray she-cat stared at the ginger tom with his evil companions. "Where'd you get the soul?"

"I sto- err. I borrowed it," he replied. "I took it. With permission."

Bluestar's eyes pierced through him, and he found himself flinching. "That would be stealing it."

"Oh, come on!" he whined. "I went through hell and back -literally- to get this soul so I could join you!"

The blue-furred warrior growled, "You stole it. You did a bad deed. You must be punished."

"But I'm a Stu!" he gasped, shocked. "You can't punish me!"

"Oh, not anymore, you're not!" Bluestar spat. "I can, and will punish you. You stole your own daughter's soul, you feel no guilt, and so I've got no choice but to leave you to rot in this place with your supposed enemies." With that, she spun around and stalked away, her silver-tipped tail lashing.

Firestar glared at her. "I did all that... for _nothing?!_"

"Too bad," Scourge commented, shifting his weight from right to left. "I'd really thought that we'd get rid of you and your annoyingness once and for all."

"'Annoyingness' isn't a word, Scourge," Tigerstar murmured.

"Who cares?"

"Well... I think that the author of this parody does," Firestar pointed out gently.

"Who cares?"

Tigerstar paused, then shook his head, sighing in exasperation. "Never mind."

"So what do we do now?" asked Firestar.

Scourge thought for a moment. "You have a soul now, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you aren't a Stu anymore, yes?"

"That's right."

"Then I suppose we'll kill you," Tigerstar meowed, grinning evilly.

The ginger tom realized then that he'd rather have no soul. His life had been great, but his afterlife absolutely _sucked. 'I hope I get a head start...'_

**So that sucked, I know. XD I might rewrite later though, but I'm glad I wrote it, as it got me out of my Writers' Block. :D**

**Review? Yes, no, maybe so?**

_**~Coqui's Song**_


End file.
